Messin' at Essen

Spielboy editor Matthew Horn went to Essen Spiel 2004. Here are some reflections.

Prettiest Girls

Eagle games had the prettiest girls, bar none. Locally-hired hotties taught Bootleggers, Attack!, and other games with, ahem, great bits. The Amigo girls were there, and they were plentiful, but they were generally second rate. Prolly sisters of the Amigo employees.

Honorable mention, though, goes to the 2nd and 3rd Wonders of the Ancient World at the Pompeii game's press stand. Amigo had hired two models to display Pompeii to the press only for Wednesday nite. If those two ladies were around all week, they would have taken this award without question, and I would have signed up for a full rules explanation.

Scottish Crap

I tried to look under the kilts of Fragor guys. Didn't get far, but did get to kiss a frog while mugging for some camera.

Doin' the Lynndie

Here's me doing the Lynndie with Pat O. and Patrick K. during a game of Louis XIV. Louis XIV joins games such as Puerto Rico, San Juan, and Royal Turf in the Alea line.
(Not sure what a "Lynndie" is? Check out this page.)

Perty Ferti

I met Cedric Huet of Ferti who was happy as hell that Lindsey used Pitch Car in her pictorial. There is a special place for her in his pants, I am sure. And he gave me a copy of Pitch Car mini... I think we would all love to see her try and hide behind THAT.

See the rest of the pictorial (Spielboy Issue #3).

Oltre Mare?

Not sure I get the Oltre Mare thing. I mean, the first I heard of it was that it was a neat little card game on Friday. Then by Saturday nite, I was told it was the best deal at the faire, with a box full of bits and boards for 12 Euro. Now, the gameplay is the second coming of Christ... Pissed I didn't pick up a copy? Sure. Do I know why? No. Great use-case for The Tipping Point? Maybe.

Nutella

We stayed at a B&B that was more like a B&B&B&B. The breakfasts were hay-uuuge and our host was the most. Every morning we were presented with tremendous platters of meats, cheeses, rolls, a delicious chocolate nut spread, and all sorts of other stuff. And that wasn't even the best part about this B&B... We used his bicycles, surfed on his computer, drank his beer, fucked his dogs... Oops, I wasn't supposed to say anything about fucking the dogs, was I, Eric? Anyway, this place was great. Except maybe for the squeegee.

Shellfish

The shelf toilet was not a problem for me. If you sit on the toilet seat properly, then you won't hit the shelf. I buried two quakers in 5 days, and they managed to use the pool rather than sit on the edge. I'm now confused why people think the shelf in a "German shelf toilet" is there for some nefarious purpose such as to "invite inspection" or "raise a stink".

Free Spielboy T-Shirts

I brought a bunch of Spielboy T-shirts with me to Essen to give to people who have helped with the site. I ended up leaving some back home and am now giving them away to Spielboy fans. Find out more about the free Spielboy T-shirt giveaway.

Feudo Deluded

The Feudo stand featured a huge quote from a Tom Vasel review and the full printout that you could read at your leisure. The irony is that Tom V is known for his softball reviews. You could put a turd in a box and he would give it a 5 out of 10. In typical softball style, the review claims that Feudo is the next big thing that all game collections should have. After getting a rules ex and watching part of a game, I determined that Tom is full of shit. I hope someone quotes me on that. But it's his opinion, so who am I to judge? :)

Crap I played

I played a total of 7 games during the 6 days I was in Essen.

Carc: The Stadt (wood box)	More of the same, but with — guess what — different scoring.
Candamir	I actually thought this was a decent game. But the clever movement mechanism doesn't quite make up for complete lack of player interaction (see Anno 1503).
Louis XiV	Solid game. Can't wait to play someone else's copy as I see no reason to own this one.
ChinaGold	This is a really clever two-player abstract. Probably the best game I played all week.
Kablamo	Too chaotic for my tastes, but the theme doesn't bother me in the least. I think this would be a perfect drinking game: instead of filling all chambers with chips, you fill one or more of them with shot glasses.
Frantic Frankfurt	Fun, light real-time game. I especially like the artwork.
Leapfrog	Another fun light game, and perfect for 5 or 6 people.

You can see ratings, slightly longer comments, and other details in the Editor's Game Log.

The Shirt

Finally met Martin Samuel, designer of some really attractive abstract games. He's more likeable in person even than he is via email. I gave him a Spielboy shirt so he wouldn't have to wear this one anymore.

He gave me his booth number and I kept trying to find him as I would have loved to see what he had on display. Next time, Martin?

PR Expansion

I tried like hell to wrangle a free Puerto Rico expansion from Jay. I just didn't wanna buy any of the crap they had at the RGG booth. But he would not back down. Gotta respect that, since I even offered him a t-shirt for the the damn thing. Last time I checked, they were going for around $14.00 on ebay.

DIGer Dinner

There was a dinner for alot of English speaking folks at a steakhaus near the Jung. This was my first time meeting Jeremy Young and the poor bastard not only had to listen to Ward Batty on his right but had to watch me eat. I tried to set the mood by throwing in some Chopin before the masses arrived, but the music was quickly washed out by noisy crowd. I had to leave several times just to clear my head, it was so loud in there. Eventually, I met up with a couple guys for drinks in a different section of the restaraunt.

Sick

Overall, I had a great time, except I contracted what appears to be influenza about mid-week. I managed to fight off most of the symptoms with generously-donated drugs, but I feel bad for anyone who shook my hand. And I feel downright remorseful for my roommate Pat O. since he had to breath in my air for 6 days. Of course, I had to breath in his ass-stink, so I think we're more than even.

Even though I usually get sick, I always like travelling. Especially when people give me games just for shooting lingerie models and writing dick jokes.

Scandanavian from Hell

The most interesting character I met had to be Anders Fager, a Swede with a 'tude and a pair of tight pants. Really funny, morally obtuse, and spoke better English than most Germans. I guess that last part isn't saying much in his favor. He's much better-looking in person than on my website, too, and really doesn't deserve a 1.8 on the "Heiß or Häßlich" scale.

Anders designed a game called The Hell Game which he sold to a rapt crowd of broadsword-wearing, boarding-party-ready LARPers in Halle 6. He's finishing up design on a game called LoveSoap, trading the heat of Hades for the heat of passion. <-- Ugh, that's a pretentious, trite, shitty line. Be sure to take it out in the final version. -->

Pr0n Star

Oh, I almost forgot... Pat and I played a heavily promoted card game called Porn Star. While I really dug the artwork and theme, the game play was... hmmm... how do I put this tactfully... piss-poor. It was a very luck-driven, take-that! kind of game. To win you really needed a doubler or a gang bang bonus (5 guys, 1 girl or vice versa). After playing PS, it's obvious to me that these guys GET porn, but the game has all the depth and strategy of my pee-hole.

Batty's Best Dice

Finally, Ward Batty led me to the promised booth: Karma Sutra dice. Don't ask me how or why HE found the place.

The images for 1 through 6 are the same on every die. They are:

1 . . . Anal Verpflichtet
2 . . . Montgulpierre 
3 . . . Reinerhandler
4 . . . Funkenschlong
5 . . . Fisting Dragonstones 
6 . . . French Quiddler

Used Junk

Here's a picture of some of the used junk I picked up on Wednesday afternoon. The used games dealers start setting up then, so if you want something, that's prolly the best time to swoop in and pick it up. Pictured are Ra, Global Powers, Intrigue, and Ta Yu.

The Little Things

One thing about going to Essen Spiel is that you can get alot of little things that aren't otherwise very easy to find. For example, the Telebohn Bohnanza expansion or the Mystery Train expansion for Ticket To Ride. Other things include Die Tafelrunde 2 and Das Grosse Fressen mini games and the RailRoad Dice and Bang! expansions. Much of the junk, like the Count of Carcassonne expansion or Mystery Train will eventually be available in the US, but some of it, like the Spielbox magazine with Carc: Die Katharer expansion will not be easy to come by.

Antici.... pation

The two most anticipated games for me were Revolution (pictured below) and Neuland, both of which I picked up. Uli at Phalanx was nice enough to give me a copy of Revolution... otherwise I might have had a hard time swallowing the 50 Euro price tag. Thanks Uli! (And if I didn't get it at the fair, I would have to order it direct from Phalanx in the Netherlands. There are currently no plans for any distribution other than direct sales for this game.)

Regrets

Saw Reiner Knizia on Wednesday afternoon. I figured since I saw him at that time, I would see him around the fair, but I never did see him again.

Same with Bruno F. Although I've briefly met him before at the GoF, I wanted to thank him for some images he sent me.

Tried to introduce myself to Heinrich Glumpler several times, but every time I went by his booth in 9.1, he was busy explaining his game to someone. Good for him, but bad for me. I really wanted to thank him for some of the help he's given me while I was working on Spielboy.

Never made it to Diamonds and Pearls, a local Essen strip joint. I was just too sick and delirious from the pain at nite to do anything but read old Counters and talk about the rise of Red Sox Nation.